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Thursday, October 30, 2003
Meeting Matthew Broderick (alternate title- Why I Hate Halloween)


Six years ago, on this very upcoming weekend, I was supposed to go on a mountain biking excursion with Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker.


Matthew had come to my city of Omaha to film the movie, “Election.” I was minding my own business one day working behind the deli counter at a local grocery store.A young man walked up to the counter and ordered half of a pound of shaved turkey.I reached into grab a hunk of it and as I was placing it on the scale, I finally looked at my customer.




I stared at him for a second and then in my typical smart ass fashion, I said, “You know, you either really look like Matthew Broderick or you are him.”He answered, “I’m him,” without a smile or really much of a reaction.I sort of stuttered, “Oh.” I was screaming inside my head, while trying to maintain composure.I wrapped up his turkey, he thanked me and left.


That night I told my boyfriend and his buddies about my experience.Our friend Bill replied that Broderick had been in our bike shop hangout that afternoon. Bill was an assistant manager there and when the boys weren’t working on their bikes or riding them, we’d all just hang out at the shop.Apparently, Broderick is a mountain biker and started hanging out there as well.


I told my friend Bill how my favorite movie was Torch Song Trilogy.Bill asked me why I didn’t ask the man for his autograph and I replied, “The guy was just wanting to get food! I didn’t want to be rude to him.”


A couple of days later, Bill hands me a paper napkin with the words, “To Jen…Happy Trails…Matthew.”I couldn’t believe it! Bill said he had explained to Broderick how much I liked him and his movies and how I was too embarrassed to ask for his autograph.Reportedly, Broderick asked what my favorite movie was and when Bill told him, he said, “Which way does she swing?”(If you know the movie/play, it’s about a gay man and his relationships with three people…fabulous…rent it!)


Bill said, “I’ve got one better for you.Matthew has called Sarah Jessica and she’s flying out here with their bikes and we’re all going on the Wabash Trace next weekend!” I was elated. The Wabash Trace is a great ride and to think, me with movie stars! (yes, I was easily impressed)


The weekend came and I woke up to the biggest blizzard in Nebraska I had ever seen. 80% of the city lost power. Something like 75% of all the trees were damaged. Halloween wasn’t merely postponed, it was cancelled and so was my mountain biking trip and I never saw Matthew again.

Posted at 12:26 pm by unworthy
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Look, Ma! I've got the day off!

Look Ma! I'm not working today!

Seriously, people...for the first time in my 15 years of employment history, I have Columbus day off. I'm still sitting here with my jaw hanging open, thinking...THIS is what it feels like to be a banker or work a government job!

For those of you who may not know, I work for a pre-employment screening company.  I'm that evil person who gets to dig up crap on you when you seek employment. Hence, most of my work relies on the courts. Friday, at about 3 pm, it dawned on me that the courts were closed so I sent an email, "Heads up people, courts are closed on Monday, so if people want their records, they're SOL." This prompted a response from one coworker who cried out that it wasn't fair that we should be working when we'd be sitting around all day, bored. 

Boss brings us into a meeting and said that he sensed our frustrations or whatever. He then says that he's going to allow two people to take the day off. (We have an office of 5, not including him.) My first reaction was to raise my hand and asked to be excused. It's been his long standing joke (ha. ha.) when he asks if anyone wants the day off he'll always say, "Except Jen. Jen doesn't get days off."

Lo and behold, this time he said it would go in order of seniority and boy, do I have it. "Yes, damnit...I will take Monday off!"

Jay and I went movie crazy this weekend.  We rented The Core, Dreamcatcher, The Italian Job and Anger Management.  Can't say any of em really impressed me.  The Core was predictable, Dreamcatcher's ending completely sucked, although they did a nice job of sticking to the book. Italian Job was obviously trying to cash in on the success of Ocean's 11 and was just a big, long commercial for the mini cooper. Finally, Anger Management was just...I dunno...lame.

Went to Target on Sunday...the great store that likes to take all my money! We bought The Lion King on dvd (woop!), O Brother, Where Art Thou, Escape from New York (that was allll Jay) and Get Shorty.  All fabulous movies and I cannot wait to put in Lion King and sing my lungs out because nobody is home and I can.

I really should work on a project I've been doing for a friend. Can't say what it is because she might read this, but it's tres cool.  I also need to work on my online classes.  Taking an American Govt class, which is promising to kill me and I'm also taking a course entitled, "How to Get Your Groove Back." *giggle*  One of the first assignments was to start a journal.  Got an A on that one.  LOL  Reasons for the Civil War is also threatening to kill me.  Good lord, I feel brain dead after two hours working on a class.

And finally, a lesson for all of you potential online learners.  Don't get too comfy.  You don't succeed when you've had three cocktails and decide you can take a test.


Posted at 09:37 am by unworthy
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Monday, September 29, 2003
School or No School? That is the Question.

Do I or don't I?


Can I afford it?  Not especially.

Will it give me a sense of purpose and accomplishment? You betcha.

Do I want to subject myself to hours of homework?  Eh, as long as it ain't math related.

Will I actually complete it or procrastinate?  Probably a bit of both.

Do I have any idea what degree I'd pursue? Not especially. Poli Sci would be cool, but how would I use it?

Am I just completely insane or just completely unhappy?  Sigh...not sure.

And the number one thing that happened this weekend to prove that I still live in California.

Me: Where were you on Saturday, you said you'd stop by, but didn't!

Bestest Friend: Oh, sorry about that, I got cast as an extra in a Nike commercial.

*beats head soundly on desk*

Posted at 11:16 am by unworthy
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Thursday, September 25, 2003
I'm Effing Stressed!

The boys called tonight...except not to talk to their dad.  Apparently, they were fighting with their mom and stepdad...called Jay and let the phone sit there so he could hear what was going on?

Was that an intelligent move on their part?

Or was it self-serving? (I"m pissed at my mom and I know my dad will rescue me...)

Jay couldn't hear much of what was going on.  So he decides to drive over there.  Now, I haven't met his ex, but I've seen them from the safety of my car, fight like tooth and nail.

Jay handed me the phone and told me to listen to see if I could hear anything while he got dressed.  I only heard the boys' stepfather screaming at the top of his lungs, "You think your Dad will take care of everything???!!  I break my BACK trying to give you what you want!!!"

Jay asked me if I had heard everything and I made a snap decision just to tell him the latter part of what their step dad said. 

Why make that decision?  Because I've been there.  Only it was reversed...my father tried to insult and belittle my stepfather to my face once....my stepfather was more of a fucking father than my dad ever hoped to be.  What resulted was a rift that still holds today...more than ten years.  I didn't want to put Jay in that position.

Anyways...Jay has gone to their house and i'm stressing.  I know how volatile they both can be and this can only lead to no good.  And by both, I mean Jay and his ex.

Oh god...what to do???

I know I haven't given ya'll background, but for those who know me, you'll know what i'm talking about.

Posted at 08:16 pm by unworthy
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Nagging doubts..

Well, last weekend, we got everything out in the open and then took a trip to the ocean...a much needed trip, just us alone..together.

In the heat of discussing, arguing...Jay said some things to me that were like a knife in my heart...because they were the same things that my ex-husband said to me when he left me.

"It's all about you."
"I don't think I've ever been truly happy with you, not even when we were first together."
"Why can't you be more of a woman?"

Man, it was seriously a slap in the face to hear that come out of his mouth.  What the fuck?  The second one is the most horrible because, to me, it sounds like he's just settling for me.  That really fucking hurts.  Nobody should settle...it only leads to bitterness and separation in the end.  I know, I'm a prime example.

But you see, I don't feel I'm settling in any way.  Jay has more qualities of what I've always wanted than anyone I've ever been with. Finding all the qualities I'm looking for would take perfection and we all know that's not possible.  He's strong, he's funny, smart, makes me feel safe, is amazingly sexy, is even better in bed...He still makes my heart thump.

The third statement...heh.  I've always been more of a tomboy.  I play video games, I can be lazy...in fact, I am a lot.  I like to take care of people, but at the same time, I can admit that I like to be taken care of.  (Boy, that took a lot of dollars in therapy to be able to admit that one openly)

So, life goes on.  I've told him over and over and over to not settle.  Settling is the worst.  If he can't be happy with me, then under no circumstances should he string me along. 


He just left me a voicemail at work - Hon, I'm trying to do dishes and just wanted to remind you to rinse off your plates..this egg yolk is like concrete!

See?  Slob.

Posted at 01:43 pm by unworthy
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Thursday, September 18, 2003

An Interview from www.BlazingHussy.com


Want to be interviewed?  Then ask me!


5 questions:

1. How old were you when you lost your virginity? What did you think?

Oh, funny story…really.  First of all, I was 18 and it was prom night in my parents’ living room.  We had been together for over a year and were both virgins.  It was tremendously awkward and painful and I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about.  I have never regretted it.


What I did regret was telling my best friend and telling her to keep it a secret.  I didn’t want to be known as skanky or whatever.  Well, on Monday morning when I walked into study hall all of my girlfriends stood up and applauded.  I seriously wanted to die.


About a month later, when I realized all the fuss was good stuff, I went to my mother to go on the pill.  Her first reaction was, “Thank God!  I was starting to think something was wrong with you!”  Gad, more embarrassment.

2. When was the last time you were ecstatically happy? Describe it.

Hrm.  Well, personally, I think I should feel that way every damn day, but I don’t.  If I had to pick a particular moment, I would say going back to my parents’ home in June and getting to be with them for a whole week.  True happiness.  I miss my family horribly, even as fucked up as they can tend to be.

3. How do you feel about gun control? (Yeah, I'm repeating myself amongst blogs here.)

Argh! Mixed feelings, really.  Jay and I go round and round and round about this all the time.

On one hand, criminals will always be able to acquire guns, no matter how illegal you make them.  That’s obvious.  Furthermore, if I want a gun, I should be able to own it, right?


On the flipside, if I was hell bent on getting again, I’d wait the period, fill out the forms, go about it legally.  If you need a gun right this very second and no man on earth is going to stop you, then I’d be very afraid of you.


Jay and I have talked about the guns he wants to get and my only stipulation is that he either keep them totally locked up or have gun locks on them.  He scoffs at me, saying he knows what he’s doing and I’m sure he does, but accidents happen.  One of my friends almost shot his buddy.  He always slept with a gun under his pillow and got drunk one night…went to bed.  Buddy walks in the bedroom just to scare him jokingly and my friend almost pulled the trigger.  That gave him a real wake  up call.


I used to sell shotguns and rifles when I worked retail and the federal form is a freakin joke.  “Have you ever been in a mental institution?”  “Do you currently use illegal drugs?”  All you have to do is check yes or no.  If you say yes to anything, you can’t have the gun and it says it right on the form.  Good lord, do the feds think people are really that stupid? 


So in the end, I don’t know where the hell I stand.  You want a gun?  Fine by me, use it responsibly. 


Jay thinks I’ll change my tune when he starts taking me to the firing range.

4. What was the last really cool thing you bought for yourself?


Ooooooh!  Les Miserables, The Tenth Anniversary Concert on DVD, starring the dream cast.  I’ve had it for a couple of weeks and have watched it about four times.  This what a true nerd I am: In high school, I used to sit in front of my boom box and play the Les Miz tape over and over again…I knew it all by heart.  Could I sing?  Nope, but I didn’t care.  Now, I drive jay crazy with it…but he’s a good sport.

5. If you could do anything at all and money wasn't an option what would you be doing for a living?


Absolutely fucking nothing.  There, I said it.  I’d sit on my ass, take trips, work on my crafts, etc.


Now, if I was forced to get a job, I’d be a chef.  Hands down, no question about it.  I love cooking, I will always love cooking.  My ex-husband used to complain, not about my food, but the fact that we never ate the same thing twice.  I was always watching Emeril and then making the recipes he made; or I’d buy cookbooks all the time, constantly looking for new things to challenge myself with.  I haven’t heard Jay complain one iota.  J

Posted at 11:15 am by unworthy
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Emotionally Unsettled, but What Else is New?

God, I’m so depressed…unsatisfied with things in general, etc. 


Jay has pledged to make things better on the homefront.  He’s leaving me little messages all day at work…little I love you’s, asking me if I need anything.  I’m thinking, “What’s a girl gotta do get a flower, a card, some token of romance? 


You see, in all my life I’ve never dated anyone who was really romantic.  How is that?  I know romance and chivalry aren’t dead because I see girls who get flowers delivered to the office from there significant others.  I look at my parents’ relationship and how my dad still writes my mother love poems.  Is it so much to ask?  Is it too materialistic of me?  I think what it boils down to is I’m too much of a giver.


Then there’s work.  Oh god.  What to do, what to do?  It gets worse every single day.  Went in to go over hours with the boss to get my paycheck and he says, “How much do you make?”  I tell him and he replies, “Wow.  Well you’re not getting a raise today!”  I haven’t had a raise in over a year.  Granted, I’m not complaining too much about how much I make, but I do think a year is a long time to go without anything.


Lighter news…Jay called earlier with the announcement that his company has branched into Omaha.  Know what that means??  It means we both have a very good possibility of moving back home as he can transfer to anywhere he wants.  Oh my god.  Even thinking that the possibility exists to go home fills me with so much tingly excitement!  Will we do it?  I have no idea, but we certainly could afford a house there much easier than we could here. 


I’m just depressed.  I can’t hide it.  Last nite the kitties came to greet me on the couch when I got home from work and they even frustrated me.  I just wanted to be ALONE.  To top things off, I’m outta Xanax and the doctor is on the outs with my mom, from whom I get the stuff…so she’s saying I have to find a doctor here who will prescribe it.  Fat chance.  First I have to find the time off and get there, afford my horrendous co-pay and then convince them that I actually need it.  Sigh


Just emotionally exhausted.  I really need to know that life, in general, will get happier. 

Posted at 12:26 pm by unworthy
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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Casts Off!

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

He will be just fine when they take the casts off.

Posted at 03:22 pm by unworthy
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Ultimatum Time

The fans (er…fan) have cried for an update and I have responded. 


Here’s the deal…he has an anger management problem, although he thinks that term is bullshit, it’s the truth.  He gets stressed, angry or depressed and lashes out at me.  He’s admitted before that he can’t understand why he would do that to the one person in this world who is there to support and love him.


Last night I said to him that it’s one of three things:


1)      He loves me and really wants to be with me.

2)      He loves me, but isn’t sure he really wants to be with me.

3)      He thinks emotional outbursts are normal and acceptable in a relationship.


He chose #1, of course.  He said, for the first time ever, that it wouldn’t happen again when I asked, “What am I supposed to do the next time you do it?”  He’s got an ultimatum now and I hate ultimatums.  I really do, but at this time, I have no choice.  Something’s got to give.  I cannot sacrifice my self-esteem and myself any longer.  As my friend said, it’s a wonder I haven’t broken my back bending to what he wants.


I don’t want to leave him, but I swear to God, I will. 


Things are tense right now as well they should be.  He’s not getting off easy this time.  He’s got some serious work to do to win back my happiness.

Posted at 07:36 am by unworthy
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Sunday, September 14, 2003
I was Exactly Right

Huge fucking fight.


A sleep in separate rooms type of fight.

What a fabulous fucking anniversary.

All over the fact that he felt I was 'hogging" the computer and he needed to get on and check his bank statement.

There were explosions from there.

He told me to "get the fuck out of the house." He said I make him miserable.

This morning he says he didn't mean it.  I told him don't settle because you think i'm what you want.  Let me go if I make you that miserable.

I'm never celebrating another holiday or anniversary with him again.  I got him a card and a present and I received, "Whoops.  I totally didn't get you anything...well, maybe I'll get you a belated card."

If the first anniversary means that much to him, it ain't gonna get any better.

So fuck it.  From now on such things don't exist. Let him make the fucking effort.  I'm fucking sick of it.

Posted at 07:22 am by unworthy
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